Living at the end of American Democracy has its perks. For instance, it kind of removes the anxiety of tomorrow because of how certain we are fucked so I may as well be my whole custom-character-ass self. Class last night was pretty good. I gotta watch myself and make sure I'm not over-participating; I don't wanna build my reputation as a book-smart person who is overly anxious about performing well instead of cultivating the self. Could be a good time to look over some East Asian philosophy (Mengzi would be especially nice for this self-cultivation, and Zhuangzi can bring me peace about certain existential pressures). I'm also trying to practice gratitude more intentionally, starting with the gratitude log on this page. I may make another log for the times that I see beauty in the world, because there is a lot that I see but never really externalize because it's weird to make comments about those sorts of things (most people do not have as colorful an inland empire as I do).
Well, I started my master's program last week and that was certainly anxiety inducing. I'm among the youngest folks in the program and it's intimidating to participate/exist. I'm worried that my difficulties/challenges will be seen as being "childish" when really I've had less time to work out my traumatic-ass life, not to mention that growing up in the downfall of this country is pretty fucking bleak. There was a cool classmate who suggested I listen to Flora Purim, though, and that was really nice. I think I'm feeling very intimidated by any socialization in class because of how much emphasis has been placed on building connections with people in the class. The thought goes, "How can I connect with people who have children that are closer to me in age than I am to them?" I don't have a full resolution to that anxiety; perhaps I should just be kind, accept that I probably won't be seen as my whole self, and be the badass counselor type I know myself to be. Being a doomer won't help; I can't let fear rule my decisions.
Week 3 of HRT is interesting. My sex drive is definitely dropping off, which is a welcome change. The anxiety that horniness brings can be pretty distressing for me, especially when it starts consuming my thoughts. My nipples are feeling more sensitive, which is fine for now but I will need to buy a sports bra sometime soon. I wanna get more clothing but that's tricky because my body is going to continually change throughout the year
***ADDENDUM***Gonna do a daily gratitude thing, might set up a separate page for that one this site
So, in the few weeks I've been gone from this site (sorry!), a LOT has happened. Like, a lot a lot. My roomie moved out, I drove back to see family (which was a mixed bag; not awful but also Jesus Christ they really struggle to see me as an adult with a sense of individuality/being/self). I've been pretty busy with getting the apartment together (buying furniture, bringing furniture across the country, setting up internet, etc.) and I've also been spending a lot of time with the loved ones I have out here. My partner is an incredibly wonderful person, and I'm really glad to have her support throughout this crazy life transition pt. 23.
I'm also starting HRT today!! This has been something I've been trying to make happen for at least the last three months, and now it's arriving in the mail by the time I get home. I need to educate myself on subcutaneous injections and the types of needles etc., but it'll be good and I'm excited to finally look how I feel.
a weekend of change that's left me deranged; a moment of anguish followed by an era of famine; a punch to the throat with a tickle at the back of it. That's this weekend. I'm so tired.
Guillotines and The Wall are too inefficient; we need a big jet turbine and we can just line up all the baddies in front of it. better yet, put the spray end in front of a wall and it can be a new public art project: The Splat-Spangled Banner.
I am exhausted, but I got Panda Express for lunch so I will survive. Work is fine but my body is tired (I am also going through major nicotine withdrawals right now like lordy lord this don't feel good), and I wish to be in bed. I wanna looooong rest, that would be nice. Until then, I'm gonna just write a poem and take a break from working on this page today. Feeling aimless, and not wanting to do anything more difficult than getting food.
hang in there with me, would ya? xo jade
Yesterday was a bit of a tough one for me. Was running around after work trying to get a PO Box at the post office (which ultimately was a success, but i forgot to print out a form or two), picked up my prescriptions (yay epi-pen acquired!) and then i went straight back to work until the evening. I thought the Bruins were gonna be on, but they weren't, so that was another hhnnngggg moment for me, but at least i had food at home available after a long day of being away from the comfort of home. I'm learning that i really am a creature of comfort. I added a poetry page on here so i can have a little "published" collection of the words that trickle through my head (on top of this blog/journal thingy). Gonna take it easy today, might just read or listen to music instead of doing a whole lot here. There will be a Gizzpost for Quarters! at some point, so stay tuned for that. Until then, i'll see you in the next post.
much love xo jade
Another weekend passed without much fanfare, which I am grateful for because lord have mercy, I am tired. I managed to take care of some chores around the house and also work on the Gizz Musings page a bit, so I suppose this is something I haven't completely abandoned yet. I still need to show my guitar teacher some Geordie Greep; I'm struggling between sending live performances vs. in-studio. I suppose I could send both and let him pick his poison. I'm always focused on optimizing the experience of others; what's up with that?
Today, I'm gonna work some more on my Gizzposts, and I'll also maybe add in a proper gizzshrine page with Nonagons, candles, dripping taps, and gizzygators. Until next time!
love u lots xo jade
Day 5 of working on this site. Didn't get the chance to start my next Gizzpost, but I'll be working on it today for sure. Yesterday was a fun day at work; I spent a lot of time chatting with one of my favorite coworkers and we got into sharing cat photos with each other. I also gave her one of my cat pens, and she gave me one of her dog pens! I'm feeling pretty tired and out of it today, kinda floating through my own head and not really feeling grounded. My eyes feel like they're glazing over and my back is screaming at me to sleep. Sidebar, does anyone else gauge their body's tiredness by how their backs feel? Or any other feelings? I wonder if the spinal cord is good for that, or maybe it's just an internal representation of things and my brain just decided to map it to my back for ease of communicating. Anywho, I wanna go to a comedy event with the aforementioned coworker sometime; we tried setting up a trivia night but plans kinda fell through due to unforeseen illness and schedules misaligning. C'est la vie an allat. Anywhosen, I'm gonna sign off here and get to working on this Gizzpost.
xo jade
Day 4 of working on this site. I spent a good chunk of time yesterday adding more to that first Gizzpost... might reconsider the formatting on that page as far as trying to make it less focused on the dates and more focused on the ideas I'm spewing forth. I also need to set up a Gizzshrine at some point with all the photos and gifs of the band I can find, as well as any of Jason Galea's beautiful wonderful fantastical art. Still thinking about that bastard from the other day, but it's fine. I got home late from work last night, and I'm still feeling pretty tired about it. Gotta run to the doctor's after work today so there's little respite for the wicked. Other than that, today should be a pretty relaxed day. I might make another Gizzpost and start from I'm In Your Mind Fuzz just to get the BIG themes down. Until then, I'm signing off of this page and getting some more coffee in me.
xo jade
Day 3 of working on this site, I spewed some words for my first Gizzpost which was lots of fun and can be found here. Went to a hockey game after work with my partner and we had a lotta fun! Some fuckin weirdo went up to me and asked me to be in a YouTube video of his, which in retrospect I really wish I turned him down. Don't ask me what teams I hate the most! I'm gonna say some shit! Where's my check asshole? etc. are the thoughts going through my head. Oh well, I'll only piss off the fans of franchises who are known for having rabid fanbases. Oh, wait, no, that blows! I should be ok, it's not like I doxxed myself but hhghghhghg it sucks. Also, I'm almost certain the guy was a lich or something. He had no light behind his eyes and a thousand-yard stare that almost made me sympathize with the folks calling out the "Gen-Z stare." Not good to judge by appearances etc., but when its a skinny-ass white dude tryna do ragebait content, it's clear he's never been stuffed into a locker, or at least not hard enough.
With that rant over, I'm now just tryna move on with today. Got a whole lot lined up; gotta figure out when I can: go to guitar lessons (today? Friday?); figure out how to make this VRC film jam work; work with Kai; go to work later again tonight; and keeping up with this site. I'm hoping to get a GOOD Gizz shrine going at some point as well. Until then, I'm signing off here and getting to work elsewhere!
Day 2 of working on this site, I wanna find a way to make a coherent layout without using templates. Don't get me wrong, the templates out there are really cute! I'm not here to be the arbiter of what should or shouldn't be used in making your own cozy site! There is something really charming about having a shitty little page like this, though, sorta reminiscent of the schizoramblers of yesteryear who are no longer maintaining their own sites (and instead flocking to Twitter or other social media sites to microblog their insanity to a chatbot or something of the like). So, really, I'm keeping tradition alive in doing this, right?
So, today, I'm going to try adding some more info to pages, maybe clean up the index page, and then also throw in a Gizz ramble or two.
Wowie where do I even begin? This is my first ever time really working to put a website together on my own. No Squarespace, no Wordpress. Just Jade, HTML, CSS, and fighting whichever hosting God I'll inevitaby piss off while trying to get this site to work.
Anywhooo, hi, I'm Jade, and chances are you are visiting this site because I sent it to you! I hope you are enjoying this little run-down corner of the internet, and I look forward to sending this to you in multiple different iterations of its development, until one day I become supreme cyberczar from all that sweet sweet web traffic this site will definitely be driving, fs fs.
I love you lots, thank you for supporting me in the little silly things I try (and subsequently give up on lol)